She's home!

Ashley had a wonderful time in New York, but there are two things she said last night that warmed my heart...
#1...after being home for about 30 minutes, in the midst of unpacking and getting ready for bed, she came and found me just to love on me and say "I'm glad to be home."
#2...as much fun as she had, (and believe me, she packed in the fun), she said "it's not a place I'd want to live" Whew! what a relief!

She was asked often "where are you from?" People confused her with a Texan. (I guess that's not all that bad) I think there was only one time the question "where are you from?" was asked with irritation and that is when she was ordering her pizza (which they ate quite a lot of there) and asked the guy for ranch dressing (to dip her pizza in, of course). He was confused and thought she wanted a salad with her pizza..."we don't have ranch, only thousand island or blue cheese"..."and you wanted a salad?"

"No, I want ranch to dip my pizza in..." Then came the irritated "where are you from?"

Needless to say, she had to eat her pizza like a New Yorker...ranchless.

The house feels different this morning...smells different...looks different. Lots of energy...lots of "product" smell...(you know, hair, body, facial products that 17 year old girls use) and a few messes here and there.

It's good to have her home.

Rehearsal last night went well. It's always nice to get together...even though we "practice"...worship still happens. It's a sweet time.

This is supposed to be my day off, but will go to church for a staff lunch celebrating a couple of our staffers birthdays. It should be fun...if it isn't, I'll make it fun.

Have a wonderful Thursday, bloggers.

My girl comes home tonight...

She's in the air as I type this. I hope the flight is smooth and that they all get some rest on the long flight from New York to San Francisco. They will drive home this evening from S.F. and her Dad will be there to pick her up at school.

I'll be in rehearsal for Sunday. But you can know one thing for sure, their first stop will be my office...rehearsal can wait. I'll be hugging that sweet little neck.

For those of you who plan worship, do you ever wonder as you look at a blank page, "how in the world am I ever going to pull this one together?" No ideas, no special thoughts, empty, blank.

Then, you look back and suddenly there's a whole page of cool stuff. You know in your head that God is the author of what happens, but it's always nice when He gives us absolute-without-a-doubt evidence that He's still in charge.

So...as I go to finish up this order for Sunday, and wait anxiously to see my sweet girl tonight, I just thought I'd remind you, as He has reminded me today...He has it all under control.

Whew! What a relief...

There's something nice and comfortable about getting back in the routine of things.

As much as we love vacations, breaks, holidays etc...it's always good to return to the order of life.

Spring break is over and my son walked out this morning earlier than he's been awake all week to head for the bus stop...counting the weeks to summer break.

Ashley is still in New York and I will be so glad to have her back home. I miss her. Her Dad said last night how quiet and still the house has been...and clean. She's an electric, energetic, somewhat messy young lady. We really miss that. She called Sunday and reported to us the places she'd been and seen. But yesterday, no contact. I thought about calling her, but decided I'd let her call when she's ready. I know they were in rehearsals all day and then playing last night at Carnegie Hall. So, I'm sure with the time difference, communication with the West Coast was more difficult than previous days.

My family was joking with me about my little "heart episode" Friday night...they think I'm like E.T. Remember what happened when E.T. and the young boy were separated? Not good. Ashley and I are very much "connected" and they decided my heart was breaking because of her absence. I don't think so...but I will be glad to get her home. (I mentioned that already.)

Worship committee meeting this morning...hoping for some inspiration and presence of God. I seem to be low on "ideas".

So with my pointer finger in the air I'll end by saying..."Ashley...phone home" :)

It's a rainy Monday morning...

But yesterday, Easter, oh what a beautiful day it was! Both Saturday and Sunday were beautiful...just long enough to have many Easter Egg hunts, and throw a birthday party for my nephew.

I was watching James yesterday during his party and thinking about what it feels like to be 4 years old. You are still given a lot of grace because of your age, and yet, you're old enough to have fun. Real fun...building, throwing, running, digging, laughing kind of fun.

My brothers, husband, and son were in the back yard playing wiffle ball with James before the party officially started...what fun to watch these grown people bend and play with him and yell and holler and laugh when a ball was hit (sometimes over the fence).

You know, James has it made. His parents love and cherish him...they sacrifice for him...they hope and pray for him. They feed and clothe and discipline when needed. They love him unconditionally and eternally. And he knows it. That's what makes it special. There's a quiet confidence in his heart that his parents have lovingly and daily instilled in him.

Easter was wonderful. The building was full. So good to see people from days gone by. Our prayer always is that if they don't have a place to worship, they will feel at home with us. We want desperately to lead people to the foot of the cross...to find redemption...to shake off all of the old and live a new life in the grace of Jesus Christ. God was evident in all corners of the service yesterday. I'm so grateful that He is in charge.

May you feel that quiet confidence in your heart today that your Father loves you unconditionally and eternally...because, like James, we have it made because of Jesus Christ.

Last night I spent about 5 1/2 hours in the emergency room at St. Agnes Hospital with some kind of heart pounding. As I laid in the bed I listened to all the sounds of sick people around me. I really felt fine...except for that 150 pulse I was experiencing, the light headed-ness, and the shaking I couldn't seem to get my body to stop doing. But other than that, according to the sounds of the sick around me, I was in pretty good shape.

"What were you doing when the palpatations started?" asked the Dr.

"Watching Duke lose to Michigan St in the basketball finals", I answered.

"Oh...you from the East Coast?" he asked politely.

"No...I just seem to like Duke."

"Why Duke?"

"They win more than they lose."

"So, baseball fan?" he continued this polite conversation.

"yeah...Yankees...same reason" I answered with a smile.

"I guess this means you used to be a 49er fan also?"

"Used to be..." I answered "not any more".

He left...said they were going to run tests to figure out what caused my palpatations.

My sweet husband, after many hours of just sitting and waiting, finally scooted his chair as close to my bed as he could and laid his head down on my legs. He leaves our house at 4:30 every morning for work and also works a second job on the weekends. Since we were now looking at midnight on the clock, he was exhausted. While he quietly rested, again I took in all the noises...the sounds. I thought how interesting it would be if our spiritual health could be read by the noises we make like our physical health is.

You know...the groaning, the creaking and popping, the crying and even sometimes screaming. But it's not. We usually keep that very quiet, don't we? We don't like to reveal our spiritual illnesses. They may not threaten our daily health, but what about our eternal health?

After many hours, a chest x-ray, enough blood drawn to build another human, and an EKG, they hooked me up to a 24 hour portable heart monitor and discharged me. They discovered my potassium levels were dangerously low which can effect your heart...(which I didn't know until last night).

So, their prescription was to eat a banana a day.

By the way, sweet Ashley has called and is having a wonderful time in New York. Just finished seeing Phantom of the Opera and was headed to a Deli for dinner. She says New York pizza really is better than California pizza. She's safe and happy. Thanks for your prayers.

O.K. So, after hundreds of dollars in tests, and 5 1/2 hours in this place, you send me away with "eat a banana a day"? "Yes" responds the Dr. "and stay away from decongestants, caffeine, and especially chocolate."

Hhmmm...I thought as I walked away so very happy to be going home to my bed...should I mention I was eating dark chocolate and drinking a diet coke while watching Duke lose?

Naahhh...that Dr. doesn't need to know everything.

Have a blessed Easter weekend celebrating the resurrection of our Lord!

1:30 Pacific 4:30 New York

My baby girl left this morning for New York. What a strange sentence to type. She's never flown on a plane, and as far as I can remember, never been out of California!

As I was driving this morning at 5:45 am to get her to school to board the bus headed for SanFrancisco, we made a deal. "Ash, if I look at you and say 'bye honey, I love you', that means I can't take it and I will have to go."

The last thing Ashley wants is for her mom to stand out by the crowd of kids and parents and charter busses and sob uncontrollably.

"That's fine, Mom", she says, "you don't even have to get out. Just drop me off...I'm fine."

The truth is, she really is fine. She's strong and beautiful and so excited to go to New York she's about to bust out of her skin. The other horrible truth about it all is I'm so afraid she's going to love it and want to look harder at the two New York schools that have been sending her stuff...Yikes! How will I get to her if somebody breaks her heart, or is ugly to her, or if she just needs me for no other reason than the fact that I'm her Mom? I guess I'll have to cross that devastating bridge when I get to it.

12 years ago we walked a similar little path...similar because she was strong and literally pulling me along and I was trying to slow her down and choking back the tears. She walked right up to that Kindergarten door and let go of my hand and ran in looking back for a split second to say "Bye Mom". That time, I made her come back to me, though. "Get back here and hug me!" I said with tears.

Doesn't she know that each time we walk those paths, she grows a little more?
Steps away from dependence another little bit?
Not only stands on her own two feet but soars with little or no help from me?
Oh how that hurts...and yet, causes such pride and extreme joy in my heart the tears can't help but be mixed with happiness.

I am so proud of her.
She is playing her French Horn with the Wind Ensemble at Carnegie Hall...that, too is a strange statement to say.

My daughter is playing Carnegie Hall. Goodness...where did the time go?

This morning didn't change much from 12 years ago. She quickly pulled out her suitcase, her French Horn, and her carry on luggage from the Tahoe...ran to meet up with the other kids...found the chaperone she was supposed to check in with...made a few alterations to the seating arrangements...and finally came back to where I was standing..."Bye Mom" she said with the most beautiful smile I've ever seen her wear...

"Have fun, Ashley...Be sweet, Ashley...I love you, Ashley"

I hugged her as tight as I could, took in a deep breath so I could remember the smell of my girl for the next 6 days, and felt the tears start rolling down my face.

"This is where you get in the truck, Mom. I love you."

This parenting thing isn't for the weak.

Friday's are wonderful days. There's something "party-ish" about Friday. It's the end of the regular work week (for those who work Monday - Friday) and the beginning of the weekend. Sometimes we work just as hard on the weekends, it's just a different kind of work. Maybe we clean or do laundry or work in the yard. We try to take a moment or two to 'rest' (whatever that means). We attempt to spend a little "talking time" with our kids...watch a movie together... maybe sit down together and eat a meal or two.

No two weekends are the same. I would love to know exactly what was going to happen. I would love to control the activity level so we're not quite as busy. I would love to lock the doors and close the blinds and keep my sweet family inside just for a day or two. To look at them and tell them how much I love them. To have time to nap and read and snack together.

I am hoping for the impossible. As much as I would love to stop time, I'm not that talented. And, if I insisted (Mom's can insist, you know) that everybody cancel all their plans and just stay home together, they would be unhappy. I have very good and sweet children (and husband) and they would obey but would resent the request, and our time together would be wasted.

I wonder if we sometimes view our "Sunday time with God" that way. Did He insist? Does He want us there with a heart of obedient resentment? Of course this raises the issue of our worship being a lifestyle instead of just an hour on Sunday, but nonetheless, do we wake up and think..."I sure wish I didn't have to go"

I want time with my children that they want to give me. I want to talk and listen and laugh and enjoy their hearts...their thoughts...their hopes and dreams. I want them to share with me because I'm important to them.

Enjoy your time with God this week.

Getting Better Every Day...

March is a special month for me.

On March 25, 1973 I was baptized. So, this year it will be 32 years ago. Wow...hard to believe.

I'm thinking about how we reminisce about the first moment we decided to give our heart to God. Some think fondly about it and often wish they could go back to feel that fresh excitement again.

We often wish we could go back physically in time...when we're older we look at our teens and 20's and remember how good we had it...how good we looked and wish our bodies were the same, or we had more hair, or sharper minds, or maybe just less responsibility and burdens.

For me, I'm so happy to be where I am. I've always thought I was a little weird for this. I have been in the church all my life, and my experience has been people wish they could go back. How many times have we heard "think back to the first time you took communion", or "remember the moment you came out of the water". Truthfully, I was just a baby. I didn't know anything, except that I loved Jesus Christ very much and I wanted to serve Him all of my days. So, when I think back, all I see is an empty headed little girl who was just starting out on this walk...I was, after all, only 10.

I'll even go so far as to say, I am more comfortable with my physical self today than I was in my teens and 20's. That's not to say there aren't things that have changed because of age...or things I wouldn't like to change if I had a magic wand (or $50,000 for plastic surgery), but over all, I love me. That's such a relief to be able to say.

This journey we're on can do one of two things for us. It will either destroy us, or make us better. I can ignore the commandments of God (Love God ~ Love each other), and live a selfish life that will only make me an empty shell of a woman, or I can follow His heart and search His will. That, my friend, makes us beautiful. Beauty that shines from the inside to the outside.

I'm confident that if God allows me to live to be 80 years old, I will love who I am and maybe even be a cute old woman.

Spiritually, God has led me and loved me and disciplined me. He's come after me when I left Him and He has hung out quietly on the side lines when I had to make tough decisions regarding Him. But He's never left me.

I remember the day I decided to be baptized...it was March 10. It took me a while to get up the courage to tell someone because it was so important I couldn't say it without crying. I remember practicing in my room to tell my Daddy that I wanted to be baptized and every time, I cried. I finally gave up practicing and the week of March 25 I told him of my wishes. And yes, I cried when I told him. I also cried all during the service that morning, cried as my Dad stepped out in the aisle to let me go forward, cried when they took my confession, cried when I went under, and was still crying when I came up. Cried as I got dressed and cried as I came out where a large group of people were waiting to hug me...and yes, I'm crying right now.

I love those memories, but truthfully, I really love who I am today in Jesus. I've learned so much...the relationship is so much deeper and richer.

If you've been dwelling on the past, whether physically or spiritually, let me encourage you to look forward. It's not about what you become physically or
financially. It's what you become inside because of the journey.

Enjoy it...Embrace it...

Thursday

There's really only one thing on my mind today...Eli Backowski.

Eli is a precious little almost 4 year old who fell out of a second story bedroom window yesterday onto the cement outside. His parents and grandparents are long time friends.

I saw Eli last night. A little somber but awake and watching a movie. His parents were exhausted...sad...helpless...worn out physically as well as mentally. All night I woke up and just prayed quickly for Eli. Matt and Crystal (Eli's parents) have today and tonight to just sit and wait. They are waiting to see if the brain is going to swell. Talking to Matt last night he kept focusing on his helplessness as a Dad. You want so badly to take care of everything...to fix it for your kids...he can't. He just has to sit and wait and hope and pray.

It brought me back to my own feelings as I send Avery out every day into a difficult situation at school. I realized that the only advice I can give Matt and Crystal is to let the Shepherd hold and heal his lamb. It is so evident that He already has...the fall itself was horrific and as Crystal said, "something cushioned his fall".

It amazes me to think about a God, a Shepherd, a Savior, a Spirit that is so tuned in to everything not only I do, but everyone else in this world. We have no idea how many times we are "cushioned" by a loving and protective God.

I saw Eli again this morning and was so happy to see a bright eyed little boy. He's sore and a little subdued from the morphine they've given him, but he's alert and so far, no swelling of the brain. God is good. The Shepherd is faithful to his flock.

Friday...

It's been almost a week since I've written anything for a couple of reasons.

First, I want this to be a positive blog...some place you can come and feel better when you leave. BUT, I still feel lousy, my throat won't give up whatever evil thing has hold of it, and I can't talk very well, much less sing.

Those of you who sing know how discouraging that is. I guess it could be compared to almost anything else...a runner who broke a leg, a concert pianist with a broken thumb, etc etc. What I do know is that not feeling 100% is so very discouraging. So, I didn't want to pass my discouraged heart on to you.

Second, I've been very worried this week about a gang situation at my son's school. They have fights often, but this one was big and ugly and hasn't ended yet. It frustrates me that my son has fear while trying to attend school and do his best. It scares me that we're not talking fists or words (although those can be very damaging), but guns and knives. I watch him walk down the side walk of our house to the bus stop every morning and feel like I'm sending him into a war zone. Many prayers are being offered for his safety, as well as the safety of the rest of the students and teachers trying just to do their very best every day. I would appreciate you lifting that school and those precious children to the Father...protection, protection, protection.

Soooo...why did I decide to write today although I don't "feel" good and happy and positive?

Psalm 78:52
But He led his own people like a flock of sheep, guiding them safely through the wilderness.

Isaiah 40:11
He will feed his flock like a shepherd. He will carry the lambs in his arms, holding them close to his heart.

I thought maybe someone out there might be where I am. Kind of low...maybe in your own wilderness of health, relationship, financial, or spiritual issues.

The thought of the Shepherd carrying my lamb (Avery) close to his heart makes me cry with relief and gratefulness. I have a new picture for my brain as he walks away from the safety of home toward the bus stop.

The Shepherd and his Lamb.

It is so good to know Jesus. I hope you've been encouraged today.

SUNDAY

I am thinking about how very blessed I am today.

I have a wonderful relationship with the people I get to work with every day. We sat around our "lunch meeting" today just basking in what God is doing in and through the church in Fresno. Watching it, Guiding it, Experiencing it...What an honor!

After barely recovering from the flu, I crawled up on stage this morning to help lead worship.

I did what any really good over-paid pop star is doing these days...I lip-synched! Only during the very low songs did I actually get to participate...low songs with only a 5 note range.

I commented to one of my co-workers that it's amazing how I felt that what I "turned in" this week as far as a worship order goes, was, in my opinion, empty...kind of a shell of a worship. I drew from the past and did what was easiest because my health didn't allow any thing else this week. Today was beautiful. God was all over it...He continues to show me that with prayer and honesty and dedication to the over all plan, He will take it and make it amazing...because He is amazing.

So...church is over...my worship committee meeting is over...and I'm home. I walk in the door and check on my family. My daughter follows me into my room and lays on the bed to talk to me about "stuff"...soon my son follows and finally, Lex is there with us. We all laid on the bed and just talked and I thought...thank you God for two wonderful teenagers that want to hang around and talk to their parents.

Finally...I come in here to blog my thoughts. I type "www" and up pops www.hotbodies.net. My heart sinks...no no no I think...don't let this junk creep into my family. I sit and look at the address for a minute or two then slowly, with a grimaced face, eyes looking away, click on the address...up pops a site for RC Car Bodies. THANK YOU JESUS! I was so relieved...I started laughing and tried to tell my son about this funny thing that had just happened. He didn't laugh...he was just offended (once I explained to him that "hot bodies" could have meant women). He's such a good soul.

I am blessed.

Shhh...If we don't acknowledge it it isn't real!

Today is my sixth day home with what I've heard some calling the
"Rapture Flu" and what I personally am dubbing the
"Oh, Sweet-Jesus-Come-Take-Me-Now Flu".
My daughter had it a few days in front of me and each night would come in and tell me how I was going to feel tomorrow. A couple of nights, she just simply said, "Mom, tomorrow is really gonna Bite!" Thanks baby. Her prophesy of the following day was correct. So, today I'm thinking maybe going to live and about 5:45 am in walks my son with the exact sounds (cough, groaning, aching, wheezing) I had about 6 days ago. Here we go...round three for this house. Illness can be so discouraging.

As I read my brother's blog today (www.intentionalwalk.blogspot.com) I thought how interesting one of his topics was Satan. I had a conversation with my husband just last night about all the ways I feel satan is pelting us. Like big balls of hail falling down on our head...can't recover from one hit because another one has already hit you and another one and another one.

Satan doesn't walk up to us and introduce himself as the evil one. We have to have our Spirit eyes open all the time because it is through the little things, the small stuff that he gets us. The list of ways he can wiggle into our lives is unending, and often it's through the "good stuff" we do that he can worm.

I've had a particular burden on my heart this year for my kids. I have wonderful kids and I want them saved for the work of God. I see them growing and getting ready to leave me. It's time...but it's agonizing. I want them protected. I want a hedge built up around them so high that Satan can't touch them. The only way I know to do that is to pray and pray and pray.

I appreciated what Steve said in his blog. We need to talk about it. We need to acknowledge the power of Satan is strong and not ignore his purpose. We all have purpose, even Satan. He's slithering, lurking, hiding, sneaking, and sometimes even jumping out disguised as good works just waiting to mess up your relationships...relationship with your wife, your husband, your children, your friends, your God. If he can get into those, producing in us anger or bitterness, a gossiping or defensive heart, then he has a foot in the door.

Protect your loves...We all have different "layers" of friends. Protect them all. And if there are some that you have difficulty with, love them more. Be vulnerable to them. Don't let Satan get even a toe in the door.

As we read the blogs and listen to the thoughts around the country, we have to realize God is doing a huge thing in this world. We can only be a tool for one...God or Satan.

Pray for eachother...Honor eachother...Love eachother.

It's Wednesday morning.

Typically, by this time, I've put together the worship for the upcoming Sunday and know who's doing what and exactly how long it will (or should) take. But, today is different. I'm writing, cleaning coffee mugs, straightening my desk.

Apparantly, I'm doing everything except what I should be doing...which is praying, choosing songs, finding Communion people...etc.

I'm reading a book for this series "Going Public With Your Faith". I found this chapter interesting..."God has divine appointments for each Christian each day." I wonder how many times we miss His purpose because we're too worried about the little stuff...ourselves. I think selfishness must get in the way more often than we'd like to admit.

Fortunately, God is God and He will work through our selfish focus to reach those who need him...just as He's going to work through my procrastination to deliver a worship order by noon!

I'm so grateful He is in charge.

Monday

What is it about Monday that makes me want to curl up with a good book and an afghan and forget about the world?

I could say it's because I work hard on Sunday, and although that is a part of it, the truth is, I've been like this all my life. I remember in elementary school starting to feel that ache in my stomach on Sunday night because I knew what was coming...MONDAY! I don't know why...I liked school, but I think I liked home better. Home was a good place.

I love the excitement of Sunday...watching God work through the small efforts we've offered up to Him throughout the week. This Sunday, I particularly loved watching our children offer their "gifts" to one of our Elders, Gene Sue. They've been saving their pennies and purchased soap, toothpaste, candy, etc and packaged them in pretty decorated bags for Gene (and others) to deliver on his monthly "Homeless Ministry" visit downtown.

Maybe it's just the let down of a beautiful day of offering to God that makes me dread Monday. Maybe I feel far from the glory of God...from the excitement of the day before...interesting.

I need to find a way to look God in the eye on Monday.