Most of you know last year I taught music for the school that inhabits our church building Monday - Friday. It was a difficult experience "scheduley" speaking (I know, that's not a word), but an absolute pleasure and joy to interact and grow and love those children on a day to day basis.

Because of that, they always wave and smile and some are even so bold to get out of their lines and come hug me when they see me at my desk. They are sweet and special.

Today, one of my favorites (I know you're not supposed to have favorites) came by and stopped in the doorway of my office. I smiled and said hi and asked how she was doing...

"You'll never guess what I have." she said.
"What?" I asked hoping it wasn't something that crawled or slithered.

"We got my baby brother yesterday!"

"Oh, my goodness!" I exclaimed so very relieved it wasn't a snake or a snail. (the class across from me are doing their annual snail study and every morning some of them like to show me their offering for the day!) "How exciting for you! How's you're mommy doing?"

"She's good. She cried all day every time she looked at him. He's a year old."

I was now understanding this wasn't a birth into their home but an adoption.

"His name is Jimmy." she said. "He has dimples and is beautiful. I was the only one and now there's Jimmy and me."

"Oh, how wonderful for you guys. I'm so happy for you. Jimmy's blessed to have you for a big sister."

"Ya..." (and here's the comment that finally stuck right through my heart)

"We were supposed to have other baby's before, but it didn't work out. But this one did work out. So, we're going to change his name. We're going to choose a name for him that's from us so he will know forever he is ours."

Those sweet children continue to teach me...

I Thessalonians 1:4 For we know, brothers loved by God, that He has chosen you.

Colossians 3:12 Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.

I Peter 2:9 But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness and into his wonderful light.

When Sadness is Larger than the Bowl

It's so good to be able to write about things on our hearts, isn't it?

It really helps me sort through thoughts and feelings to be able to write. It's even better to read your comments and your blogs and see, often, our hearts are connected and similar. What a blessing to be on this journey together, even if it is hundreds or thousands of miles apart.

The down side is, there are times we really can't share on this public forum specifics. Right? I mean, to just lay it all out there with names and dates and specific problems isn't possible and would violate all things pastoral and confidential.

So, forgive me for the lack of detail but here are my thoughts today.

My heart is broken for people. People who are very sick and very scared. People who have marriages that Satan is invading and, at this point, destroying. People who have allowed Satan to inhabit their thoughts and hearts and can't see the destruction around them and in front of them. People who are angry because life isn't what they had hoped for and there doesn't seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel. People who are financially disabled.

Yesterday, it really just overwhelmed me. I felt helpless (which is a very bad feeling for me). I couldn't do anything to fix anybody, including my own personal hurts. So, I did what I always do when I'm sad. I baked cookies.

Someday, I might say, "I went to the gym." But for now, baking cookies is more a comfort for me. I went home to an empty house, turned on a Worship CD as loud as I could stand it, and I baked "Monster Cookies". If you don't have Jack Hayford's "Men in Worship" CD, I strongly recommend you find it. It's an old CD, maybe not available any longer, but it's an absolute time of worship with only men. So beautiful.

I cried, sang, poured ingredients into the bowl, cried some more, poured more ingredients in. The great thing about these particular cookies is you can put whatever you want into them. I put everything I could find. These things have peanut M&M's, plain M&M's, peanut butter, chocolate chips, oatmeal, raisins, (doesn't that make them a health food?). It came to the point where my sadness overwhelmed the bowl. My bowl overflowed and I had to switch to a larger bowl. So I did. I now had a little extra room so I added more M& M's and choc chips. This bowl of cookie dough was huge!

I formed yummy round balls of dough onto the cookie sheets, put them in the oven, sat on the floor by the music and for 8-10 minute intervals (baking time for the cookies), cried and sang and cried and sang. The oven timer went off, I took the cookies out of the oven and repeated the process.

Eventually, I had baked all I could bake and cried all I could cry and as silly as it sounds, felt like God had met me right there amidst the cookie dough.

It's not over. Satan is still in the midst of things and people are still hurting. But today, I'm sure God is God and He will deliver us.

I don't know how big a bowl you need to hold your grief, your sadness, your worries. But God has a bowl that will fit. He is so generous, and compassionate and loving...He will meet us amidst any situation if we call on Him.

I don't know where you all are today, but as I was studying and reading this morning, I kept going back to Psalm 147. I love verse 3: "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."

There are many things I could relate that to on this morning, some personal, some congregational, but the bottom line is, the great God of all creation, the God who made everything and called it by name, the God who breathed life into my soul personally and knew me before I was formed, cares for me.

I can picture him kneeling beside his child...me...not even saying anything. Just holding me, loving me, healing my broken heart.

It's such a precious picture.

Austin is a 7th grade young man from a home that hasn't provided him many advantages in life. This kid has captured my heart and I want you to know him, too.

Sunday was our celebration/recognition of the kids leaving the elementary school program and moving up into the Youth Group. Those starting Middle School...7th grade. Scary, difficult, exciting times for young people.

Austin started coming about 2 years ago with a family that has since left College. They brought him to V.B.S. and he stuck with us after that. His main attendance was Wednesday night Pioneer Club program which is an outstanding draw for kids in elementary school. Much credit goes to Tannon and Theresa Pafford who have tirelessly promoted and developed that into an exciting and outstanding time for our kids.

Tannon and Theresa emailed me last week and said please make sure someone contacts Austin. He needs to be here Sunday morning and experience the "promotion" time. He typically doesn't come Sunday mornings and we thought he might need a ride. He was called and was excited to be invited and said he would come.

Sunday morning rolled around. Lex called all the kids to the front to honor them, have the Elders surround and pray for them, and then present each one with a Bible.

No Austin. I was very disappointed but knew some things we just can't control.

Church was dismissed and we were deep in the elementary class time with much excitement and enthusiasm when I looked up and in walked Austin.

I walked over to him, put my arm around him and said, "Hey there...It's so good to see you."

"yah", he answered "when was I supposed to be here? I think I'm supposed to go to the teen room. Do you know where that is?"

"Absolutely. And, on our way to the teen room, I need to stop by my office and give you something."

We walked down the hall chatting about school and nothing in particular. Stopped by my office and I gave him his Bible.

"Austin, this is for you from Lex and I and the Elders and all the people here who are proud of you for your successful entrance into the Youth Group and Middle School. Use this Bible. Read this Bible. Ask questions...lots of questions."

Austin didn't open it. He just held it with both hands up to his chest. "Thanks" he said.

"You're welcome. Now let's go find the teen room. They're having a party for all the incoming 7th graders and you don't want to miss it."

We walked down the very long hall way quietly when out of the blue Austin said, "If there is no God, or if scientists prove God wrong, then all this..." his voice trailed off..."all this..." he said again holding his Bible close to him.

"All this means nothing, right?" I answered him.

"Right. Everything would mean nothing." he responded.

"Austin, has anyone proved God wrong?"

"No. And that's so cool because people have tried and can't do it."

"That is cool." I responded.

"So, how do I know for sure everything with God is real?"

"You study this Bible. You think for yourself. You pray and talk with God as many times a day as you want and need to. And, you have faith. Faith is the thing that helps us when there are things going on we can't fix or control or change. Faith is hoping for stuff we can't quite put our finger on or understand."

"That's good. This is good. Thanks." he said as the sweetest smile came over him.

We arrived at the teen room and he was enthusiastically met by one of the teen support parents who promptly led him into the room with all the other scared questioning wild young people.

For once, I was so thankful for long hallways. That conversation wouldn't have taken place if we hadn't had to walk together such a distance.

Remember Austin. Pray for Austin.

Last night, after an 11 hour day at the church, I still went and did my cardio and legs and abs workout. (she hasn't walked us through our chest or arms work-outs yet. Thank heavens!) Aren't you proud? I was.

However, once I fell onto the bed, I couldn't move. Couldn't roll over, couldn't breathe, couldn't move. I laughed at myself, but, oh my goodness, that hurt, too.

On the way home from the gym, I told Lex it felt like somebody took a sword and pierced my body from the front to the back. I thought he should have somehow taken better care of me. I shouldn't hurt this bad. We laughed...ouch. Then I sneezed and thought I was going to have to call 9-1-1.

The good news is, today it doesn't hurt nearly as bad as it did last night. And, I dare say I can start to see some tiny, tiny changes. My circulation is better, my complexion looks better, my eyes seem a little brighter, and I could almost swear my teeth are whiter! (just kidding on the teeth thing)

How fun it is to begin to see results. I told the Praise Team last night my goal is to be a sexy 50 year old. So, I have plenty of time to make some major changes. They responded by saying they thought I was a sexy 40 year old. Aahhh...they're so good to me.

In all seriousness, this is one of the biggest challenges I've faced in my life. It was the "thing" I had given up on. Decided it was o.k. to be the way I was and people would have to love me anyway. (and of course, they do.) Thought that I was really too late in life to become "fit" and "healthy" in body.

Isn't it wonderful to know we don't ever have to settle or think we've reached the end of our productive and growing time? (Physically, mentally, or spiritually)

We can always get better.

I think that's very exciting.

Abs?

So, we have an appointment tonight with our Personal Trainer to work on Abs.

Abs. Such a funny word. I'm guessing it's short for "Abdominal Muscles". Right?

I told her the last time we talked and set up this appointment, I just simply didn't have any. So there isn't really any point in me working on machines that build up a muscle that doesn't exist in my body. Right?

She put on her "tough personal trainer" voice and told me that if I didn't have "abs", I wouldn't be able to stand. Hhmmm...I do stand rather well. Strong, confident, so maybe I do have "abs".

However, in my defense, I did have two C-sections which delivered two babies both over 10 lbs, two years in a row. And, to my own personal shame, never did one sit-up or anything of that kind to try to bring back those muscles she swears I have.

My point is, this is gonna hurt. Right? There's nothing about this I'm looking forward to.

I guess I just have to rest in the fact that I'll provide great entertainment for my family as I try to run through the evil machines.

I'll let you know how it goes. But I'm not seeing rainbows and butterflies in my future tonight.

I had an ice cream discussion with our trainer. She said we can have ice cream, it's just about choices. Choose ice cream that is lower in fat and sugar instead of the high fat (good and delicious) kind. I asked her, "O.K., now tell me, have you ever tried Ben and Jerry's Coffee Heath Bar Crunch Ice Cream? Because I'm betting if you have, you wouldn't be talking this nonsense about low fat/low sugar ice cream."

She said she had tried all the Ben & Jerry's ice cream available and still prefers to eat lower fat/sugar choices because it's better for her and she feels better because of it.

Strange little 100lb girl.

I wonder if I'll ever say such words as that.

Have a good evening, bloggers.

First Day of School!

Those of you who know me very well know I cry the first day of school...every year.

It's one of those unavoidable things my kids know. I can see inside their heads all during the morning of the first day of school. You don't know exactly when it will hit me, but I know they're thinking..."wait for it, wait for it..." and then, BOOM. The tears are there.

I guess, as I've analyzed it through the years I've decided a couple of things. First, it's o.k. We actually laugh about it knowing it's going to happen. It's not about sadness, completely. It's also enormous pride in these people who just keep growing into wonderful young adults.

Second, it's about a milestone. All through the summer it still feels like the last school year. But then, that day hits and there is no running away from the advance of their grade. I might be different or weird. Whatever.

I baked a bunch of goodies yesterday and late into last night. Ashley's school is very small and I try a couple of times a year to take a huge plate of "stuff" to the teachers room, which is also the main office. So, I thought maybe it would distract me from the actual "letting go" process I seem to have trouble with if I were delivering cookies, macaroons, and chocolate peanut butter brownies.

At 7:10 am we walked into the office and Ashley was greeted with great enthusiasm by the head of the Music Department. (He also happens to be doubling as the principal until they hire a new one for next year.) Ashley and Mr. Jones are great friends so there were smiles, and laughter, and excitement. She walked into his office and the chattering began. I laid down the "offering" for the teachers and smiled and waved and started to walk out.

"Bye Mommy." (I love it when my 6 foot 17 year old kid calls me Mommy. It has nothing to do with her being immature or insecure...it is simply a sweet term of great endearment she uses when she needs to say it all in one word. The best part is...she doesn't care who hears.)

That did it. "Oohhh" I said with that tone they recognize as "Mom's about to lose it." (I sound like Laura Petry on the "Dick Van Dyke" show for those of you old enough to know what I'm talking about .)

I turned around and she quickly came to me and said..."Oh Mom, come here." (I love it when they take on the parent role) I hugged her and told her to have a great day. I've been accused of "thinking too much" by my sweet husband who often has to sweep up the pieces of my heart in situations like this. But he wasn't there, and Avery was waiting in the car for me to drop him off so I just plowed forward. As I hugged the neck of my beautiful, accomplished, poised, funny, intelligent daughter...I couldn't help but remember the time I let her walk into the Kindergarten room. Same curly hair. In Kindergarten, I curled her hair the night before. She was a doll. Last night she came to me with wet hair and curlers in hand. "Mom, will you curl my hair for tomorrow?" And today, she's still a doll.

I was enjoying and agonizing through this hug when she said "Mom, your squishing me."

"Oh, sorry." I was holding on a little tight, I guess.

I told her I loved her and quickly walked to the car.

Avery and I chatted to his school which is about another 15 minutes. Told him I was proud of him and that I loved him. As we drove into the parking lot, I slyly patted his arm and gave it a little squeeze. Avery goes to a great school but in a pretty rough part of town. It's a magnet school for those interested specifically in computer, science, math. (Architecture) So, along with the "cream of the crop" kids they pull from all over Fresno, the mix of neighborhood kids sometimes makes it a rough environment. I know better than to do anything that will embarrass him on campus. I would seal his fate if I got out and hugged and cried all over him. So, a little squeeze on the arm is the best I can do there.

I will be so glad to see them this evening.

Happy day, bloggers. Blessings to you all.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow,...

Last night, I was introduced to some muscles in my legs. Interesting we've been partners in life for 42 years, but never formally introduced. (my leg muscles and I)

We (the whole family) did leg lunges, leg curls, calf somethings, (I don't remember), squats, and some crazy machine that had me pushing some outrageous amount of weight using some muscle in my thigh I swear had never been there before, but trust me, is making itself evident this morning.

We all did what we were supposed to do. Let me tell you the best thing about last night. (aside from the end of it...) We did it all together. We laughed, cheered, cringed, and sweated together. It really was a fun time. They had a little cheerin' party for me when a bead of sweat actually rolled down my face. My son wanted to make sure it wasn't a tear, so he came over and made sure there was another bead or two on the side of my face.

I know our bodies are getting healthier, but how exciting to be a healthy family unit, too. I would recommend it to anyone, especially if you have teenagers in the house.

It's so good to have a personal trainer who appears to care deeply about your success. She is amused by us, and every once in a while, has to pull out her "tough trainer voice", (we can get a little silly...) but ultimately, I think she's enjoying the experience almost as much as we are.

Wouldn't it be wonderful in our spiritual walk to have someone beside you who said, "I'm here to push you, encourage you, hold you accountable, and cheer for you. I'm here to get you to your goal and I'm not leaving you until you reach your destination." Hhmmm...sounds wonderful. Sounds kind of like discipling...

Have a wonderful day bloggers.

So...I hop on the bike while Avery and Lex head for the treadmill. I like the bike, they like the treadmill. We hadn't talked about how long we would go, but we could see each other in case we needed to use hand signals to communicate anything.

I observed so much while peddling. Most people are just there to accomplish a goal. Whatever that is, it's personal. There was little conversation between folks, some smiles and nods, but for the most part, people go to work out and then get out of there. A couple of people are obviously there to impress or draw the attention of the opposite sex, but not too many seemed to be successful last night.

I saw a couple of really cute, skinny, tan, (ugh!) girls hop on the treadmill in the front of the treadmill group. (See, if it's me, I'm finding one in the back of the line because I don't want anybody looking at my back side as I walk.) But these girls really had every right to be very proud of the way they looked, so the front of the line was no problem for them. Then, they proceeded to walk, walk faster, and then jog. Here's the amazing part, they were talking and laughing while jogging. Really! Talking and laughing WHILE JOGGING. See, again, I on the other hand, am concentrating on my next breath...so thankful I'm still breathing.

My final observation for the day. There came a time (and I won't tell you exactly how long it was because it would amuse some of you and you would make fun of me), but there came a time half way through my "riding workout" when I thought, "I can't do this. I'm going to stop the machine and just call it a night. I've done fine. Better than if I hadn't been here at all. Right? So, sure, Sandra, go ahead and quit." I talked to myself for about 2 minutes of this ride, realizing I was only half way there and feeling very tired. I kept looking over at Lex and Avery, hoping they looked as tired as I felt, but, they weren't seeing me. So, I kept going.

Then, I realized, I wasn't so tired anymore. Is this what people of the athletic persuasion call a "second wind"? How exciting! I was o.k. I finished out my time, looked down at the boys who were still comfortably walking, and decided..."Well, heck! That went so well I'll do another 10 minutes!" I put 10 more minutes in the computer and started cycling. About minute 8, I looked down at Lex and fortunately he was looking this time. I ran my finger across my neck as in "I'm finished!" He smiled and nodded and told me to come to him.

I felt like Bambi. Remember the scene when Bambi tries to get up and walk? The wobbly unsteady legs falling all over the ice? It is such a cute scene through Disney eyes, however, in real life, not so cute. I wobbled my jelly legs over to him and told him that was it for me for the night.

I was so proud. Not only did I finish my goal, but went just a little bit more. Good for me!

For Father's Day this year, the kids and I gave Lex something the whole family can use. Something we've never purchased before. Something we need desperately but don't really want. Something we can make hundreds of excuses why we won't use.

Avery and I had the brilliant idea to get Lex a membership to Bali Total Fitness Gym. He used to enjoy working out before his back injury, and since, because of time or money or the injury itself, we just haven't revisited the idea for him.

The salesman was so good, we ended up getting a family membership for not too much money and, after all, we all could use it and maybe enjoy some family time doing something healthy.

So, this was a Father's Day gift, and today is August 15. Our first visit to the gym for our "personal trainer consultation" was last night.

I actually was nervous. I have no idea how to act in a gym. I don't fit. I don't understand the machines or the exercises and my confidence is at an all time low in a place like that.

The girl who is our family personal trainer is about 5 '4", 110 lbs, and total muscle. UUGGGHHH was my first impression. There's no way she's going to be patient or understand this middle-aged-no-muscle-over-weight person standing in front of her. I was wrong.

She was sweet, and patient, and careful with us. She explained everything and encouraged us and challenged us. We had a blast. All four of us were weighed, including finding out what our total body fat was. (Some day I might share that figure with you, but for now, I'll just say Lex was proud because he had the lowest number). We each talked individually about what our personal goals were and how we wanted to reach them. It was such a fun night. I think she actually cares about our success.

I think we all walked out of there feeling better about ourselves than when we went in. Exactly the opposite from what we expected.

I'll keep you posted in our journey to better physical health. But, in the meantime, I couldn't help but think that there are people who walk in our churches often who are nervous. For whatever reason, they show up. Nervous, feeling like they don't fit, and confused by the "exercises" we go through in our assembly. But deep down, they know they need to be there. They're not exactly sure why, but they know it's a step to better health, somehow.

The way we receive them will make the difference between their success or failure in that venture. We need to be sweet, patient, and genuinely concerned about the success of their journey. We need to teach, encourage, and challenge them.

And hopefully, they will feel better when they leave than when they came because they had an encounter with Jesus Christ.

As I mentioned in my last blog, there are so many "things" eating at my productivity, however, as always, God has been faithful this week.

My confession of the day is that my prayer life stinks. I mean my personal-just-me-and-God prayer time. Oh, sure, I pray before every meal, I pray before and after every meeting (and there seems to have been plenty of those lately), I pray during our Assembly time, I pray before and after rehearsal with the Praise Team.

But, this morning, driving to work (I have about a 3 minute commute, and that's if I catch a red light along the way), I suddenly realized I don't have a solid, consistent, personal prayer time with my Father. Good Grief!

Now, we can justify this...our life is a constant prayer, and it really is. I see situations or people and I'll quietly think to myself "Father, Bless them", or "Father, Help them", but to offer my life every day to him in conversation is not something I do on a regular basis.

O.K. So to live a life of discipline, that's the goal for me at this point. How do we live a life immersed in conversation with God? If you have time, jot down some scriptures I can refer to that will help me. I would love to hear how you all are able to handle this particular discipline.

I should probably pull out Foster's "Celebration of Discipline" again. Once I get through the other 5 books I'm looking at right now, I'll do that!

Blessings to you.

Back to work!

It's good to be in the office this morning. I'm going to share some personal frustrations that I hope you can relate to. (otherwise, I'm just a really goofed up individual if no one else ever feels the way I feel.)

I stayed home yesterday to get some things done around the house. Managed about half of what I had set out to do. I spun around in circles for much of the time feeling overwhelmed by all the "stuff" I feel is urgent and needs attention.

I worried about the fact that I haven't picked out our Christmas Musical yet. Not because I've been lazy about it, but because in listening and listening and listening some more, I've not found one that is really good. (That puts me about 2 weeks behind)

I worried about some of the upcoming things at church, feeling like we don't have a good handle on it all. We have a great "campaign" coming up that was supposed to be introduced last Sunday, but the "clip" wasn't completed, so we're behind a week on that. I will be working on that this week.

I worried about our upcoming pulpit series because it's coming quickly and we don't have a firm grasp on what will be done there.

I worried that there are only 2 weeks of summer left for my kids and then it's on to the year I have looked forward to and dreaded since having my kids. Avery will be a Junior, Ashley, a Senior. My last "normal" year with my babies.

I worried that maybe I haven't done everything I should to prepare them for what's to come. I hope their hearts know God intimately...I hope they serve Him in all they do...but the truth is, they have to make their own decisions now.

I worried about our Children's Ministry. We need to throw it up in the air and let the good stuff come down and the fluff blow away. I am reading a book that has some good points..."Postmodern Children's Ministry". One of his statements was "I am concerned that all this emphasis on making our programs fun is eclipsing what I think the church should be about in its children's ministries, the spiritual formation of children."

I worried about people in general. Without telling you their names, I'll tell you their circumstance. People who have lost their "zest" for God. People who are struggling to stay married. People who will stay married but won't be happy. People who are managing difficult health issues. People who are lost.

I worried about finances.

So basically, I allowed my worries to over take my productivity.

Satan has a way of getting under my skin in that way...causing me to scramble around not really accomplishing anything but throwing myself into a mental and sometimes physical tizzy.

So, today, I start by saying that I need to depend on God. I will trust Him to give me clarity of vision so that I can take each thing in the order He gives it to me.

I hope you all don't struggle like I do, however, I think people in ministry, paid or not, feel an enormous burden at times that is bigger than us. Fortunately, we don't have to carry it all. We just have to do each thing as it comes and give the worry (and the glory) to our Father who sustains us.

Whew! I feel better.

PISMO...

What a beautiful week we all had together. Lot's of family and friends. We had "extra" people stop by and make our week even sweeter. Our good friends, Marshall and Rachel Hamm happened to be there for a night and joined us for dinner, and another night, Ashley's friend Rebecca and her Dad (Phil) came to get out of Fresno's heat and joined us for Tri-tip and Twice Baked Potatoes. (I think that was my personal favorite dinner of the week!)

We read books, played games, walked on the sand, went boogie boarding in the ocean, ate clam chowder, swam in the pool, warmed up in the jacuzzi, slept, ate, slept, ate...

I am so grateful for that time. It is, however, very good to be home. To be refreshed and ready to take on whatever is next. It was good to sleep in my own bed last night. There's much to do today. Laundry, house cleaning, getting back to "normal", and most of all, not eating every two hours! (I ate like a pig...and enjoyed every bite!)

Today, I will be going to Berean to purchase two books. Mere Discipleship and Emerging Church. Steve, my brother, let me borrow Emerging Church but I only got through a few pages when I realized I'll need my own copy. I need to highlight and mark that thing up. So, I'll be giving his back and get one for myself.

Let me know if you've read anything good lately regarding the church, or religion in general.

I was at Barnes and Noble last night getting a couple of books for my kids (that they were supposed to be reading this summer I found out two weeks before school starts again!), and Lex found a book for me that I absolutely love! "Then Sings My Soul...150 of the World's Greatest Hymn Stories" I'm excited to share some of those with you in the future.

For now, blessings as you begin another week to serve. May you find strength and peace in a hectic world.

Isaiah 40:29 He gives power to those who are tired and worn out. He offers strength to the weak.