I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry...

I'm getting ready to go to Nashville for the ZOE Conference next Tuesday, which means I'm trying to accomplish 2 weeks work in 1 week. (as I'm sure one or two of you are doing also).

We (the worship committee) ended up changing speakers and topics for this Sunday, (on Tuesday afternoon of this week), so, what I thought I was ahead on, I actually found myself behind. Starting from scratch on Wednesday morning isn't always the most peaceful feeling for me.

My kids are going to Nashville this year with us. I'm so excited. Some of the "stress" of getting ready to leave was always getting them settled and making sure their needs were met while we were gone. Rides to and from, obligations they couldn't miss, and the general "I miss my kids like crazy when I'm away from them" feeling.

But, this year, they are both going with me. Avery will help with "tech" set up for classrooms and Ashley will be a general do whatever somebody needs person. Ashley has an opportunity to visit and speak with some people from Lipscomb while we're back there. We'll see what that produces. Sounds like a long way from Mom, if you ask me. But her desires are to sing and teach whether it be in elementary or College level English, as well as an interest in Children's Ministries, so, where God wants her is where I want her.

I'm sorry it's been so long since I've blogged. I'll try to do better, but don't know what my opportunities will be in Nashville. We get up early and work until very late. I'm old. I need my beauty sleep.

Blessings to you all.

The other night Lex and I were at one of our favorite places to eat.

Plaza Ventana...mmm mmm good! It has a relaxed atmosphere, great food, great service, and the manager always gives me a hug when we go in. I like that. They act like we're family walking into their home for a meal.

It was later than usual. The place was not very busy. About half way through our meal, the sweet manager, Lydia, came and sat down with us at our table. Asked if everything was o.k. Asked how we were. And then said, "don't you have prayer at your church?" "Of course," I answered. "Well, I need you to pray for my nephew. He really needs prayer." I waited to see if she'd tell me why he needed prayer, but she didn't. So I assured her we would not only pray for him, but let everybody know about it via email so they could add him to their list also. "Wonderful" she said. "Since you have so many praying, I need you to pray for my son, also. He really needs prayer."

I promised her we would pray for Michael and Anthony. I know God knows what their needs are.

What is success? When I was younger, success was, for the most part, material. When you're older and have stuff, that would be success. Beautiful home, new cars, vacations, etc... For me, it was a singing career along with the stuff. I wanted to be a star...to sing...to perform around the world. To be known.

I was ready for bed the other night and had lost Lex. I knew he had gone in to pray with the kids, but it had been a while and didn't know where he had gone.

I walked by Ashley's dark room and the door was about half way open. I will never forget what I saw...

The hall light provided enough of a glow for me to see my husband, on his knees beside the bed of his sleeping daughter, arms outstretched over her...praying.

Lydia, at the restaurant, knew we were an avenue to God. She knew who we were...she knew who we belong to. So, even amongst a business atmosphere, although we weren't in a church building, she felt comfortable coming to us for help.

What is success? I've changed my opinion of that.

Success is being known, yes, but being known as a child of God. Success is representing the Savior with grace and love without judgment. Success is even in the darkest most private corners of your home, your heart, your life, you seek God...even though no one is watching.

Being a disciple of Jesus Christ has made me a successful woman...

After church yesterday, I was up front receiving my weekly hugs from "my peeps". These "peeps" happen to be all under the age of 10.

I get enormous love from these kids who are running down the aisle to join Mr. Lex for class in the front of the auditorium. I just happen to be connected with him so I get to be loved, too. (It also could be that I have what I love to call the "happy jar" in my office that I share with them every so often. Big glass jar full of licorice, sour gum balls (they love those), M&M's, etc...)

Sometimes, if I'm not paying attention, (or happen to be talking to an adult and not looking down), one of them will grab me about knee height and I'm just sure, someday, it's going to be the tackle of the century!

After my usual hug tradition, I gathered my pitch pipe, music, purse, shoes, (I was no longer wearing them) and headed for my office. I stopped to talk to a grandmother who was bringing her two little charges into the auditorium for class. Let me tell you what I knew about her at that time.

She has these two children with her by legal custody. Parents abandoned the kids. She works for Fresno Unified School District, and has put these two (grades 1st and 3rd) into our private school at the church. These children are challenges. Very immature, sometimes the 3rd grader still curls up in a ball and sucks her thumb (but not as much as she used to). 1st grader is ALL OVER THE PLACE! But cute as a button and tries with all his might to do what he's supposed to. It's just absolutely impossible for him to sit still and listen for very long. Grandma is very, very quiet and appears very private. So, I haven't talked with her much...until yesterday morning.

I said good morning to Grandma and asked how she was doing. Her grandson was hugging her neck with all his strength to tell her goodbye before class. It was precious. She looked at me and told me he was in a particularly active mood today. ?!? (as opposed to the other days? I wanted to say but of course didn't)

We small talked for a minute but then she said, "Pray for me. I'm angry. Both parents have re-entered these kids lives and I'm trying to schedule time with both without disrupting any progress that's been made with them."

By now, the tears were silently streaming down her cheek. (she's a very quiet person)

I found out Mom was her daughter. Dad was the daughter's boyfriend for years but never married. Dad now has a new girlfriend who's expecting a child any day now. Both parents want to see their kids. Grandma is scared...and angry.

"This anger is seeping into every other aspect of my life," she said. "No matter what I do, no matter how 'good' I am in other areas, I feel like God is saying to me 'but look at your heart in this situation'." she was still crying very quietly.

I just stood there and listened and ached for this sweet woman who is trying to make a home and a life for these two precious children. I thought about how quiet and private she is...and wondered how many people come, sit, don't share, cry quietly, and we never even know their story or their pain.

Sometimes, as a minister in charge of what happens on Sunday morning, I become very entangled in details. You have to know what you're doing, obviously, but my new prayer is that God handles that stuff for me, gives me peace that He's in charge, and opens my eyes to people instead of details.

What I didn't tell you in the beginning was that my first instinct was to walk right by her...not talk at all. I was tired, I wanted to put my stuff in my office and get a cup of coffee. I wanted to sit for 10 minutes in my empty office and not talk or smile or sing. I just wanted to breathe for a minute.

I'm so grateful God didn't let me. And, I'm always relieved to see that He really is in charge and still working on me!

The weather has been unbelievably beautiful! No air conditioning running in the house, which is a happy thing for the budget. Highs in the 80's. Gorgeous!
..................................
Lex continues to be a motorcycle selling machine. It takes lots of time away from us. Too much, but oh my goodness...What a financial blessing! He and I snuck away last night after church and had a long quiet dinner together. As crazy as this sounds, we worked through some junk that had lingered in our marriage for 18 years. Isn't that stupid? The bottom line is, I, as a woman, thought he should just know some stuff. I have finally decided that if I want him to know something, the best thing to do is just say it. How 'bout that?
..................................
Ashley has Senior pictures taken today. She was so beautiful as I dropped her off at school. I talked with her yesterday about beauty in general. It is such a difficult subject because as women, we want to be beautiful, but really cannot even begin to match what we see from Hollywood (or Malibu) of even California in general. One of the things I appreciate about Ash is her deep down beauty. She tells it like she feels it...Doesn't play girlie games...And loves deeply. Especially children and elderly. I think that says something about someone. I gave her the "pretty is as pretty does" speech but she knew it already. I'm very proud of who she is.
.................................
Avery continues to be stable, strong, quiet, and Godly. I'm waiting for his rebellion period. I was talking with my brother about post-modern and modern people - particularly children. Uncle Steve has decided that his nephew is modern, even though he was born in what should make him a post-modern child. Avery is black and white. None of this "truth is relative to your situation or circumstance" stuff for him. Truth is Truth. Period. I struggle with that with him, but at the same time, love that about him.
................................
My Mom's headed for Boston, Penn, D.C. area early Sunday morning. She and some of her friends are excited to be going to visit some historical sites, amish country, and the White House. She's going to have a blast. Your prayers for her safety would be appreciated.
................................
I was watching an interview with Danny Bonaduce (kid from Partridge Family now grown up) and when questioned about the extreme content of his new "reality show" he said:

"I don't really even like my fellow man, why should I care what he thinks or if this would hurt him?"

He admits to being a drug using alcoholic on steroids who has a violent streak. He said that a celebrity like himself committing suicide on his reality show would make "great T.V."

When asked why she stays with him, his wife answered, "because I love him and the Danny who isn't using alcohol or drugs is a wonderful intelligent man."

I know this is extreme...But, what is your drug? Is it food, or acceptance, or T.V., or books, or your job, or pride in general?

I could sit and judge Danny because he's so very messed up and even enjoys showing you how messed up he is. But as I watch people like him, who appear to wade in their own mistakes and enjoy doing it, I realize that he is a sinner like I am a sinner. God is God...sin is sin...there is no "good sinner" and "bad sinner". Oh, sure, I might try to cover my blunders and warts more than Danny does, but God loves us the same.

I really hope that somebody has the chance to tell Danny Bonaduce that Jesus Christ died just for him. That God loves him deeply and longs to have a relationship with him. And, most of all, I hope Danny accepts that grace that is offered.

But for today, I am just going to try to live a life looking for the "danny's" that live in my world.

Blessings to you.

I was reminded today that there are people watching us all the time...those of us who profess to love Jesus Christ and try to pattern our lives after Him.

We have two families at the church in a "feud" of sorts. They happen to have children at the same public school where, now, others are drawn into this "battle" of sorts.

Do they have justification for how they feel? Probably.

Is there more than one side to the story? Always.

Is the name of Jesus Christ tarnished because they can't seem to find it in their own hearts to forgive and love? Absolutely.

I don't get angry often. Especially at people. I might get angry at a circumstance or situation, but not often people. But this makes me angry and disappointed.

I just have one thing to say that you already know. It isn't the sermon we preach, it's the life we live. Period.

It has been such a nice weekend...

I turned a year older on Saturday. I was able to spend some time with my family. My mom made a wonderful "bring-me-back-to-childhood" dinner Saturday night of roast, mashed potatoes, gravy, bread, green beans, corn. Homemade from scratch Angel birthday cake and Peach and Vanilla homemade ice cream. I was able to share this with both my brothers, Lisa, James, my Mom, and both my kids. I missed Lex but he was in Paso Robles at a motorcycle "thing". He did have a big bouquet of flowers waiting for me at my Mom's house, though. Very smart of him. :)

Who could ask for anything more? Family, a wonderful meal, laughter, thought provoking conversation.

Sunday was a very good morning. One of my favorite things was the end when 20 kids ages Kindergarten - 6th grade surrounded the congregation with buckets. The church was told of the Impact Ministries in Houston who are ministering to 20,000+ people who have come from New Orleans. During our closing song, they would have an opportunity to drop their donation for the Hurricane Katrina victims into the bucket of a child and we would make sure it was sent to the proper place.

The Elders prayed, and we started our closing song. Sometimes people hesitate when they are asked to leave their seat to do something during the assembly. But in the words of Ashley, "It looked like somebody kicked an ant hill!"

From the stage, we saw the whole church move in all different directions. It was amazing. I had to quit looking because, of course, it made me cry. The kids smiled and said thank you...the adults bent down to the kids and chatted with them. Some people gave more than once because it was important to them to give in specific buckets, and others came from far across the auditorium to the child that they happened to have a relationship with. It was absolutely beautiful.

My favorite was Wes Schmidt who is now unable to walk without assistance. He has a "scooter" (quite powerful and with a mighty horn for honking), he didn't send anyone else with his donation...he scooted down that aisle and people parted like the mighty sea. Put his donation into the bucket, smiled and chatted with the sweet boy, (Zachary Pafford), and then turned that thing around and headed back to his spot.

I heard later of a young boy who knew this donation opportunity was coming. He told his mom he wanted to get some money out of his piggy bank. He is 1st grade. He had $10 in change in his bank...his mom asked how much of that he wanted to give. He asked if God would think it was o.k. if he gave $7. "Do you think it would be o.k. if I kept $3?"

The even cooler thing about that story is that I happened to watch this boy walk down to give his coins. He didn't hesitate. Walked with determination, dropped his change into the metal bucket (what a sound that made!), and then ran back to his seat literally dancing, singing, and jumping up and down as he joined in the singing of "A New Anointing". His joy of giving was overflowing.

We raised over $10,000 for those folks.

I know it's a tiny sum of what is needed. But our folks experienced relationship, joy, fellowship, and goodness as they gave.

God is so good to us.