God's Faithfulness

Driving on Sunday with my son and husband, something hit me like a pie in the face...

I suddenly said to them, "Isn't it amazing how God brings you through things?"

They were stumped because they don't read my mind and they didn't know which "things" I was referring to, however, they were kind to stay with me in this conversation.

My things are different from your things, although, often we have circles of things that intersect and we can have an understanding of how each other are feeling. (Lost yet?)

For years, and I do mean years, I've lived in a situation of survival. Does that mean I haven't been happy? No, absolutely not. However, we have had difficulties that have plagued us and caused great stress and sometimes even fear.

Now, understand that I know how ever difficult your situation is, you can always find someone in a worse condition...so don't take this as complaining. This is just the reality of my life.

Years ago my husband fell and tore his back requiring major back surgery and loss of job. This begat other unfortunate job situations which begat financial difficulties which begat stress in the marriage which begat lots of fear and resentment and unhappiness. However, through it all, often we would come back together at some point and say, "God is in charge, and I still love you."

We managed to continue serving and trusting, even though our hearts sometimes wanted to run and escape whatever pain we were enduring at the time. Fortunately, we have two amazing kids that took our attention off our own fear and stress and helped us continue to see what really mattered. (Bored yet?)

Then, there came the dropping off of a child 1400 miles away from us. Coming home, I stopped in Gallup, New Mexico. I had a "falling apart" like I've never experienced before. I came unhinged. I prayed for hours asking God to take away the pain and sadness. I begged that He would intervene and "heal" my heart of the breakage. I totally submitted every bit of myself as I cried and begged and cried more. I just knew I would never be o.k. again. I felt like I was never going to function on a "normal" pace again. For me, this was the straw that broke years of hay. He let me feel that way all night and into the next day.

I finally arrived home so glad to see my son and husband. Things seemed better.

I spent a few days "holed up" in my house. I didn't want to go anywhere or talk to anyone. I didn't want to have a Christmas Musical this year or celebrate a birthday. I didn't want to be employed any longer and couldn't imagine having to put another worship order together...ever!

Eventually, slowly, my head cleared...

And, driving to a store with my boys, I realized that God had not only brought us through years of difficulties, but had made us better, stronger, wiser.

I don't know how it happened, or when, exactly, but I do know that my husband is working for a wonderful company that promises his employment until he decides he's ready to retire. And when he's finished, he'll actually have a retirement to retire with!

I know that as difficult as the last few years have been, my love and respect for the man I fell in love with 19 years ago is stronger than ever.

I know that my children are healthy, and faithful and Godly.

I know that I found a beautiful Christmas Musical for this year, and, Sunday I will gladly celebrate my 44th Birthday!

But above it all, I know that I'm different. I know that God has not taken me further than what I could bear, and I know that He has been faithful to not only carry me/us through, but make us better in the process.

I know that when someone else is in a dark hole, I can sit and cry and pray with them, but in full confidence say to them:

"There is hope...God is faithful.

This is the first day of school for Ashley. It's the first time I haven't been there to hug, kiss, take the first day of school picture, and yes, cry.

I cry every first day of school. It's not a sad cry...it's an "I can't believe where the time is going" cry.

This year was different.

Last week was Avery's first day of school and I was in Texas...so my sweet Mom came over and took his picture in the right spot of the yard (it's fun to take it in the same spot every year. You see the vegetation and the child grow!). So, I've not seen it yet, but I know I have a first day of school picture for Avery.

Avery called me on his first day of school, so I was able to love on him over the phone. (between sobs...I had just left his sister!)

It is now 7:00 am our time and Ashley has already had one class. So, first day of school has officially started for her, too.

Mike Cope talks about the hands that grip the kids, how little by little fingers are pried off until finally, there is very little holding on to them. I didn't like that part of his message last Sunday, but I understood it.

I feel the grip loosen and the fingers one by one open.

I guess if you've done your job, and if God is merciful, you're able to let go on your own without anyone having to drag you or pry your fingers loose.

Parents, enjoy it all. I'm even enjoying this. There's always laughter after the sadness.

Driving home last week, I had a particularly bad, sad, horrible night in Gallup, New Mexico. I called my boys at home and cried and cried and cried.

Avery finally got on the phone after Lex couldn't do anything with me and said, "Mom, come home. We're waitin' for you. We're right here waitin'. And besides, Dad and I have run out of things we know how to cook!"

Laughter...thanks Avery. I'm glad I'm still needed.

Blessings!

Happy girl...

"May the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen"

THE NEW NORMAL

I woke up today in Fresno.

Drove for two days away from Abilene and toward home.

It's the strangest feeling I've ever had...dropping off your child and driving away...and driving, and driving, and driving. Every bone in my body kept saying "go back...go back", but my brain knew I was doing the right thing.

Abilene is a wonderful place. It's a beautiful school with amazing people teaching and leading the kids/students. I had constant assurance from people I trust with...well...my child's life, that she will do wonderful and if there's ever a problem, they will be there for her. Thank you, God.

So, today, I am faced with the "new normal". Life changes, doesn't it? The old normal has been two children in my home. I liked that. In fact, my favorite part of any day was the early morning or late night when everybody was inside, safe, asleep. I'd walk to her room and then his and just look at them. I'd usually spend time in prayer for each one while looking at them sleep. Come on, you guys, admit it...you look at your kids sleeping, don't you?

But, this morning, I saw him and an empty room.

This is the beginning of the new normal for our home. Can't say it's my favorite time, but I am confident it is what is supposed to happen. Whether I like it or not.

By the way, Ashley is doing wonderful. She's already made great friends and is having a blast at "welcome week". She has Mike Cope for her Freshman Bible class...what more could you want! Classes begin next Monday. But for this week, they are having a wonderful time mixing and playing and getting to know each other.

I asked her last night if she had experienced any homesick moments. She paused for quite a while and then finally started giggling and said, "No...I'm sorry, Mom."

I assured her that I was comforted by the fact that she hadn't been homesick. It helps me know she's doing exactly what she's supposed to do!

Now, I'm going to go and get used to my new normal.
Blessings.

I'm in Abilene...

Spent the day setting my daughter in her dorm.

It looks wonderful, it feels wonderful, it is wonderful.

Last night, she spent the night with me in the hotel, and I'm not ashamed to say, I was really happy to hear she would stay again tonight with me.

It's hard to pray without tears...but, the prayers are necessary.

We'll go to Highland Church tomorrow.

I'm looking forward to hearing Mike Cope speak.

I leave Tuesday night, probably...

I'm not looking forward to driving away...

Keep praying.